Today a situation caused me to reflect back on my relationships or friendships, from my past. I started to see more clearly how those people had often borrowed money that never got paid back. How they got more comfortable with asking and more comfortable with calling it “can I have” instead of “can I borrow”, because I kept letting it slide and not speaking up. In actuality we should not have to ask for what is owed to us, but the sad fact is sometimes we have to ask if we ever wanna get it back. It wasn’t just money either. Sometimes it was my time or feelings that were taken for granted.
I began thinking of an article I had read that dealt with the concept that we teach people how to treat us. In some cases that isn’t true. We don’t exactly teach someone to rob or rape or assualt us. But in many cases I think it’s true. Those people who kept getting more and more comfortable with taking advantage of me, were being taught by my actions or inactions, that they could treat me that way and that I would allow it. Maybe they even thought I was so stupid that I didn’t see what they were doing. I did see it. Even then I did. I just kept waiting and hoping it would change. Maybe I was afraid that calling them on their actions would make them walk out of my life. But as I reflect on it now…. so what? What loss would that have really been to me? None. Any human being who is in your life simply for what they can gain from you, ought to have their behind bounced to the curb, anyway.
So this person who brought this all back to me today…. was someone who has taken and taken from me and given very little in return. This person avoided me when my son died unexpectedly, and later apologized. I forgave them but I realize that in the face of hardship they won’t be there for me. Since that realization, this person has rarely been in my life at all. In light of that, it took some nerve to ask me for something at a time when they know I am dealing with some hardships myself. Now I believe in giving of yourself even when you’re hurting or going through changes and strife. I believe in being the thing you want from others. But I also believe I am worth something and I believe that I have to look out for myself too. So when I politely declined this person’s request, I was proud of myself for not saying “I’m sorry.” Used to be, I would have apologized when I said no. But then I was like…. why would I? I did nothing wrong to him by saying no. So I feel i’ve grown a little because saying no was ok and I didn’t feel the need to say I was sorry for looking out for myself.
It feels a lot better to not be someone’s doormat than to save their feelings at the cost of my own.
Many of us as women feel guilt around saying no to people. Often we agree to things that leave us in a bad mood or feeling upset because we really didn’t want to give this thing of ourselves.Sometimes the people who are doing the asking don’t even realize it bothers us. Other times they sense it but because we place their needs above our own, so do they! So if someone isn’t respecting you or your feelings or your time, stop and look at what message you are sending them. Honor yourself and the people who matter will honor you as well.
